We got to our 8 week appointment, giddy with excitement. We checked in, smiling, kissing in the lobby, squeezing each other’s hand. This was it. Today was FINALLY here.
“Chelsea?” I get called back and it’s straight to the ultrasound we go. My heart is beating out of my chest and we are practically skipping. I’m about to see my new son or daughter (I’ve always thought I’d have boys). She tells me to strip down and pee if I need to. Then get on the chair and she’ll be in a few minutes.
Cue the panic. I am SO excited I can barely sit still. I pee, get undressed and assume the position. She comes in and we get down to business. She gets her wand and goes to town, looking all around inside me. She finds my ovaries and said that they look great.. she took pictures of them in fact. I’m thinking “That’s great lady, can we get to the point?!”.. she keeps moving the wand around, but not saying anything. I look at my husband with a panicked look and then look back at the screen.
That room was so quite you could hear a pin drop. Nothing. I see something.. that’s a small little speck.. but it’s not like I pictured or had seen pictured online. She says “Okay, if you’ll get dressed and head to the waiting room, a nurse will come get you to see the doctor”. I say, “umm, is something wrong??!”. I then hear a sentence that has haunted me every day since.. “There’s no heartbeat.” And then suddenly, I’m not sure I have one either. My heart lay shattered on the ground and some how I was supposed to get dressed and go to a waiting room. To wait. What was I waiting for?? What’s happening?!? I’m 8 weeks pregnant, and I know from everything I’ve read, that there should be a heartbeat.
My first reaction is fury. Why is this happening? What did my husband or I ever do to deserve this?! We sit there, for what feels like forever and then finally get called back. They take my weight and then ask me “so how far along did you think you were?”. No no no.. I literally have six apps on my phone tracking my ovulating and pregnancy.. I KNOW that I’m 8 weeks. I explain that I’m very regular and that I haven’t had any spotting.. no cramping.. nothing. She types all of this up and then tells me that the doctor will be with me soon.
Great. More waiting. As if I don’t have a care in the world.. as if everything is hunky dory. In my mind, we should be laughing, looking at the sonogram, and counting down the seconds until our ultrasound. What feels like days, but is only minutes pass, and the doctor comes in. She explains what could be happening. Maybe I’ve miscalculated and I’m really only 7 weeks, and there’s no heartbeat yet. Or maybe I’m having a miscarriage.
I don’t know one person who’s had a miscarriage, but everything I’ve heard about them, they go differently. I thought people just go to the bathroom and see that they are bleeding. It’s not supposed to happen this way. It’s not supposed to happen to me. She says that I need to come back in a week, so that we’re able to do another ultrasound.We may still have a baby growing, or there could just be what once was a baby still inside me waiting to pass.
They take my blood and we leave the office, heart broken.