The confirmation..

It was confirmed that we were having a miscarriage on September 2nd. They said that it would pass and be like a normal period, then we could start trying again. I still kept asking myself how this could happen? I was so careful. I didn’t eat or drink or do anything that I wasn’t supposed to. This makes no sense.

It needs to be known that prior to getting pregnant, I’ve had my blood taken one time. I despise needles and I get really queasy. I know, I know.. suck it up, Buttercup. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. I’m losing a baby. There’s no telling what I’m in for during this process, but that does not change the fact that I detest getting stuck with a needle.

With that being said, you’ll recall that my husband and I have opposite blood types. If you didn’t know that was a problem, welcome to the club. I had NEVER heard of such a thing, however apparently, my body will try to reject the baby if the baby has my husband’s blood type. With that being said, I have to get a rhogam shot. I read about these shots. They burn, they make you really sore.. oh, and they’re a shot. Wonderful. My life is just going SO according to plan, let’s throw a shot into the mix. Mind you, my last shot was in 2007, when I graduated high school and was required to get the meningitis shot. Nine years. I avoided getting shots for nine years. Until now, when my life decided to come crashing down.

I got the rhogam shot (which they numbed me prior to), and we were sent on our way. Now we wait. We wait for me to start cramping and bleeding and for me to pass our child. How do you prepare for that? How do you move on from that? My parents and friends were very supportive and encouraging.. they would reach out and ask how I was.. and my answer was always the same. “I’m okay”. But I wasn’t okay. Five months later, I’m still not okay sometimes. But we knew we’d get through it.. little did I know what we were in for.

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The longest week of my life..

I had told my parents that we would come right there after our appointment to show them the sonogram. Great. I text my dad to let him know we are on the way.. I think he knew something was wrong. We get to their house and tell them.. we all cry and say that we hope for the best. Deep down, I know it’s over. I don’t really know why I thought that, but I just did. It didn’t feel right any more. I didn’t want to see one thing baby related. I couldn’t take it. We cry with Mom and Dad, then we leave to head home.

My friends are waiting to hear from me.. so what am I supposed to say?! This is why people don’t tell people before their appointment. I so get it now. It’s so exciting and fun to tell them in our own little ways… but un-telling people. Telling them the worst news you could hear when you’re pregnant.. it’s just too hard to repeat over and over.

I tell them, we all cry on the phone.. and say the expected “there’s a mistake..it’s still growing..”, but I know better. My husband and I finally have a second to ourselves and we just hug and cry. And when I say cry, I mean sob. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.. I’m practically screaming. It feels like someone has ripped out my heart with their hand and crushed it to dust.

I get a call later in the afternoon of the day of our appointment telling me that I have A- blood type. My husband has A+ blood type.. apparently they aren’t friends and they do not get along. The nurse that called nonchalantly tells me that if I start bleeding over the weekend, to go straight to the hospital because if our blood mixes, it could be really bad if I haven’t had a rhogam shot. Even better news. Great.

Did I mention that we were supposed to be leaving to go out of town that night? We were going to visit some friends in Northern Virginia… but I wasn’t sure I was feeling up to it. In the same breath, I didn’t want to sit around all weekend and do nothing. I couldn’t mope and cry all weekend. And I certainly didn’t want to be in this house.

We go on the trip and just waiting to start miscarrying. It never happened. I kept trying to make myself think positively, which is very hard for me, in general.

The week finally goes by, we barely slept, we cried every day.. it was terrible. But now, as we walk to the waiting area… we know we’re finally going to get an answer.

And then the world came crashing down..

We got to our 8 week appointment, giddy with excitement. We checked in, smiling, kissing in the lobby, squeezing each other’s hand. This was it. Today was FINALLY here.

“Chelsea?” I get called back and it’s straight to the ultrasound we go. My heart is beating out of my chest and we are practically skipping. I’m about to see my new son or daughter (I’ve always thought I’d have boys). She tells me to strip down and pee if I need to. Then get on the chair and she’ll be in a few minutes.

Cue the panic. I am SO excited I can barely sit still. I pee, get undressed and assume the position. She comes in and we get down to business. She gets her wand and goes to town, looking all around inside me. She finds my ovaries and said that they look great.. she took pictures of them in fact. I’m thinking “That’s great lady, can we get to the point?!”.. she keeps moving the wand around, but not saying anything. I look at my husband with a panicked look and then look back at the screen.

That room was so quite you could hear a pin drop. Nothing. I see something.. that’s a small little speck.. but it’s not like I pictured or had seen pictured online. She says “Okay, if you’ll get dressed and head to the waiting room, a nurse will come get you to see the doctor”. I say, “umm, is something wrong??!”. I then hear a sentence that has haunted me every day since.. “There’s no heartbeat.” And then suddenly, I’m not sure I have one either. My heart lay shattered on the ground and some how I was supposed to get dressed and go to a waiting room. To wait. What was I waiting for?? What’s happening?!? I’m 8 weeks pregnant, and I know from everything I’ve read, that there should be a heartbeat.

My first reaction is fury. Why is this happening? What did my husband or I ever do to deserve this?! We sit there, for what feels like forever and then finally get called back. They take my weight and then ask me “so how far along did you think you were?”. No no no.. I literally have six apps on my phone tracking my ovulating and pregnancy.. I KNOW that I’m 8 weeks. I explain that I’m very regular and that I haven’t had any spotting.. no cramping.. nothing. She types all of this up and then tells me that the doctor will be with me soon.

Great. More waiting. As if I don’t have a care in the world.. as if everything is hunky dory. In my mind, we should be laughing, looking at the sonogram, and counting down the seconds until our ultrasound. What feels like days, but is only minutes pass, and the doctor comes in. She explains what could be happening. Maybe I’ve miscalculated and I’m really only 7 weeks, and there’s no heartbeat yet. Or maybe I’m having a miscarriage.

I don’t know one person who’s had a miscarriage, but everything I’ve heard about them, they go differently. I thought people just go to the bathroom and see that they are bleeding. It’s not supposed to happen this way. It’s not supposed to happen to me. She says that I need to come back in a week, so that we’re able to do another ultrasound.We may still have a baby growing, or there could just be what once was a baby still inside me waiting to pass.

They take my blood and we leave the office, heart broken.

8 weeks of absolute bliss..

In July, I started a new job in a different department that simplified my life drastically. No more working weekends, no more stress, no more worrying if my team was doing what they were supposed to. I felt like this is what I always needed to do before we had a baby and it had happened.

The “trying” continued until July, of course every month I thought I was pregnant because I’m so that person. The idea of it gets stuck in my head and I convince myself that it’s happening.

The end of July came, when I was supposed to start my period and I just didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel like I was getting ready to start. I remember crying on the way to work one morning because I forgot my lunch. I got home that Monday afternoon and decided to take a pregnancy test. Wait what?! It’s positive. I start sobbing (tears of joy!) and screaming. We had bought the cheap, crappy pregnancy tests because I didn’t want to splurge. Boy was I regretting that now.. I made an excuse to my husband that I needed to go to Kroger and get cheese for our dinner (since he was getting ready to leave work). I RAN to the store, grabbed the Clear Blue pregnancy tests and hustled home. I took two more tests and sure enough, they said “Pregnant”. My heart was BEATING out of my chest. This is so exciting. This is it. We’re having a baby. How am I going to tell him? How are we going to tell our families? Our friends? I type it in my phone and find out that I should be due around April 4th. Oh my gosh an Easter baby. By the time Easter gets here, we’ll have a baby! Then I hear the garage door opening and reality strikes. “Get yourself together, Chelsea… you cannot let him know!” So I pretended that my period had started. I acted sad, which made him sad.. and I felt terrible about it. After dinner, I messagedĀ a friend on Facebook who does photography and told her that I want to do a surprise photo session and I’ll tell him I wanted to do a “five year anniversary” session.. but really, I’ll tell him I’m pregnant. This is perfect. Life is perfect. I am over the moon. I can’t WAIT until Thursday afternoon for our photo shoot.

It was so hard to keep it from him, but Thursday finally came. The look on his face when he saw the “We’re Pregnant” sign is something I’ll never forget. And to this day, it brings tears to my eyes. It was one of the best days of my life.

Our appointment was set for August 25th and it took FOREVER to get here. We wanted that ultrasound.. we wanted to see our little bee. We did weekly pictures of me and my feelings/cravings/moods, etc. We told my parents the day after I told my husband. I knew they’d be excited, but I was so scared to tell them. This would be their first grandchild and I’m an only child. Were they ready to be grandparents?! Ready or not, here it comes! Next, we told my best friend, Jessica. We had sworn we weren’t going to tell anyone until the ultrasound, but I couldn’t help it. We were FINALLY having a baby — and I wanted to tell the world. My best friend was coming to visit the weekend before the ultrasound and I just HAD to tell her too. I wouldn’t see her for a couple months, and IĀ didn’t want to wait that long! My brother-in-law and his fiancee were going out of town, so we had to tell them too! They wouldn’t have been here for the ultrasound and we didn’t want them to be left out. Everyone was SO excited for us!!

During that long month leading up to the appointment, we had picked our nursery furniture, narrowed down names, made a to-do list for the house prior to baby arriving. Everything was set in motion. We were well on our way. We had even narrowed down baby monitors and strollers. To say we were excited would be the understatement of the century. My pinterest board was on overload… gender reveal ideas for the fall, baby shower ideas for the winter.. nursery plans and decor.. all of it. I had dove head first into motherhood without even needing to see a glimpse of this baby.

And then, FINALLY it was time for our appointment… our 8 week appointment that took oh so long to come.. was here.

 

The best place to begin would be the beginning…

I’ve always knew I wanted kids. Who doesn’t?! It’s just I never felt like I was “that age”.. you know the age where you are buying cars and houses.. and then suddenly you blink. You’ve bought your first car…. you’ve bought TWO houses. But is it the right time? I’ve always told myself (and every single person that asks why we haven’t had kids yet) that there would be a day, where I would be sitting somewhere.. and just feel like something is missing out of my life. And that would be kids. This would be the epiphany that would tell me, it’s time. Then, we’ll get pregnant, have a baby and life will be bliss, as it always has been.

My husband has ALWAYS wanted children. He’s been patient with me through the years, where I just felt like I need “us” time. I’m a firm believer in “us” time. We traveled, fairly often, and that’s exactly what I wanted to do with that time. Just enjoy each other. Just lay there in bed and stare at each other. I’ve never witnessed a love like I have with my husband. He’s the most supportive and patient person I’ve ever met. And I’m so so lucky to have him. I tell myself that every day.

We kept saying that we would start trying in the fall of 2014. We would have been married for four years, we would have gone on our big trips that we needed to go on.. it would be the perfect time. Fall of 2014 came, and I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to give up my alone time with my husband. I still loved our “us” time.. and I wasn’t ready to let that go. So we said that we would wait another year. Fall of 2015 came and I’d never been more stressed at work. I would come home and get calls, I never felt like I had a day off to myself. We said that we’d go on one more cruise and then start trying to get pregnant. We always said that we wanted to go back to Bermuda.. we honeymooned there (July 2011). This would be our five year anniversary, so what better time?! We planned the trip for May 2016. My husband was so excited! It was finally happening, we were going to get pregnant! I have to admit, I was excited, just nervous. I knew this was something I wanted.. it was just such a HUGE life step. But the time had come.

The trip to Bermuda was everything I could have ever asked for and more. I’ll spare you the details and skip to the spoiler alert. I didn’t get pregnant. Hmm. Well I had always heard it doesn’t necessarily happen the first time you try.. so okay, we’ll keep trying.