The longest week of my life..

I had told my parents that we would come right there after our appointment to show them the sonogram. Great. I text my dad to let him know we are on the way.. I think he knew something was wrong. We get to their house and tell them.. we all cry and say that we hope for the best. Deep down, I know it’s over. I don’t really know why I thought that, but I just did. It didn’t feel right any more. I didn’t want to see one thing baby related. I couldn’t take it. We cry with Mom and Dad, then we leave to head home.

My friends are waiting to hear from me.. so what am I supposed to say?! This is why people don’t tell people before their appointment. I so get it now. It’s so exciting and fun to tell them in our own little ways… but un-telling people. Telling them the worst news you could hear when you’re pregnant.. it’s just too hard to repeat over and over.

I tell them, we all cry on the phone.. and say the expected “there’s a mistake..it’s still growing..”, but I know better. My husband and I finally have a second to ourselves and we just hug and cry. And when I say cry, I mean sob. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.. I’m practically screaming. It feels like someone has ripped out my heart with their hand and crushed it to dust.

I get a call later in the afternoon of the day of our appointment telling me that I have A- blood type. My husband has A+ blood type.. apparently they aren’t friends and they do not get along. The nurse that called nonchalantly tells me that if I start bleeding over the weekend, to go straight to the hospital because if our blood mixes, it could be really bad if I haven’t had a rhogam shot. Even better news. Great.

Did I mention that we were supposed to be leaving to go out of town that night? We were going to visit some friends in Northern Virginia… but I wasn’t sure I was feeling up to it. In the same breath, I didn’t want to sit around all weekend and do nothing. I couldn’t mope and cry all weekend. And I certainly didn’t want to be in this house.

We go on the trip and just waiting to start miscarrying. It never happened. I kept trying to make myself think positively, which is very hard for me, in general.

The week finally goes by, we barely slept, we cried every day.. it was terrible. But now, as we walk to the waiting area… we know we’re finally going to get an answer.

And then the world came crashing down..

We got to our 8 week appointment, giddy with excitement. We checked in, smiling, kissing in the lobby, squeezing each other’s hand. This was it. Today was FINALLY here.

“Chelsea?” I get called back and it’s straight to the ultrasound we go. My heart is beating out of my chest and we are practically skipping. I’m about to see my new son or daughter (I’ve always thought I’d have boys). She tells me to strip down and pee if I need to. Then get on the chair and she’ll be in a few minutes.

Cue the panic. I am SO excited I can barely sit still. I pee, get undressed and assume the position. She comes in and we get down to business. She gets her wand and goes to town, looking all around inside me. She finds my ovaries and said that they look great.. she took pictures of them in fact. I’m thinking “That’s great lady, can we get to the point?!”.. she keeps moving the wand around, but not saying anything. I look at my husband with a panicked look and then look back at the screen.

That room was so quite you could hear a pin drop. Nothing. I see something.. that’s a small little speck.. but it’s not like I pictured or had seen pictured online. She says “Okay, if you’ll get dressed and head to the waiting room, a nurse will come get you to see the doctor”. I say, “umm, is something wrong??!”. I then hear a sentence that has haunted me every day since.. “There’s no heartbeat.” And then suddenly, I’m not sure I have one either. My heart lay shattered on the ground and some how I was supposed to get dressed and go to a waiting room. To wait. What was I waiting for?? What’s happening?!? I’m 8 weeks pregnant, and I know from everything I’ve read, that there should be a heartbeat.

My first reaction is fury. Why is this happening? What did my husband or I ever do to deserve this?! We sit there, for what feels like forever and then finally get called back. They take my weight and then ask me “so how far along did you think you were?”. No no no.. I literally have six apps on my phone tracking my ovulating and pregnancy.. I KNOW that I’m 8 weeks. I explain that I’m very regular and that I haven’t had any spotting.. no cramping.. nothing. She types all of this up and then tells me that the doctor will be with me soon.

Great. More waiting. As if I don’t have a care in the world.. as if everything is hunky dory. In my mind, we should be laughing, looking at the sonogram, and counting down the seconds until our ultrasound. What feels like days, but is only minutes pass, and the doctor comes in. She explains what could be happening. Maybe I’ve miscalculated and I’m really only 7 weeks, and there’s no heartbeat yet. Or maybe I’m having a miscarriage.

I don’t know one person who’s had a miscarriage, but everything I’ve heard about them, they go differently. I thought people just go to the bathroom and see that they are bleeding. It’s not supposed to happen this way. It’s not supposed to happen to me. She says that I need to come back in a week, so that we’re able to do another ultrasound.We may still have a baby growing, or there could just be what once was a baby still inside me waiting to pass.

They take my blood and we leave the office, heart broken.